hamilton.likes.to.draw...

A couple of months ago, I was let go from my position at Krafton. It has been difficult the last few years to write about anything I was doing, since most of it was merely in the pursuit of my work. That work is often specific, and often for future products which cannot in fact be discussed.

For the past couple weeks I have been working hard on one of my own project, FilmsWith. This project is... perhaps the thing I am most proud of creating so far. It involves a subject I care deeply about; movies, film, and television. It is created using modern technology, mainly React, which means I can point to it in the modern day and not be terrified that it's code will be somehow revealed.

But it was started in a time of early React. Things have changed significantly since then, and I have only barely been able to keep up with things as they changed amidst the immense scope of my growing website. Truly, I cower in fear of the prospect of having to significantly update the code of this, my main website. It is a mammoth of a site cobbled together over 2 decades of personal and web developmental change.

I recently began a rather large code refactor of my filmswith site. I have been, in fact, quite diligent about it. I am now reaching out to others in an effort to improve it's UX. I have never really 'pushed' the website, because it has never really felt done. Many things were only half created, or half thought out out, or outright not present. But now, after my concerted efforts, I am close to something I can feel is ready for consumption by more than just myself.

The FilmsWith website was created for me. Created 'by me' is irrelevant to the more relevant 'for me'. I use it. Constantly. I find in my life that I reference movies and tv shows. And in the day and age of phones in pockets, having a quickly accessible resource for those topics is something I can't believe I was able to create.

The title of this particular post states that I am in a rut. But I am not in a creative rut. I am in a personal one. I find myself with so many avenues available to me, and so many paths to take, and none of them leading anywhere significant. Over the last few years I have worked and slept and ate, and like many before me, I find this to be unsatisfying, and worse, I find myself in a position of loneliness. Many of my friends have moved on and up, and I am meandering forward.

I wonder to what extent FilmsWith could help propel me upward. I wonder to what extent I would need to pull it down from the bottom and cobble it back together to remodernize its modernity. It was made with create-react-app. A tool which, at the time, was the appropriate tool to use. But now, not only has that tool fallen out of favor, it has in all aspects been abandoned. I will need to restart to stay afloat. It is the one aspect of the web which I hate the most. The fact that an old boat cannot simply be put in the water forever. It must periodically be brought ashore to have a significant amount of its parts be Theseus'ed.

I suppose that isn't true if the thing were to be abandoned or never improved. I have never been one to sit around and not improve. But as I get older and more cobbled together, I find it harder and harder to make my own repairs.

It has been over a year since my last post. So much has happened and changed since then. Maybe I'll find more time to write in this blog soon. Probably not... but maybe.

I'm sitting on the toilet in a hotel in Santa Monica, and I've never felt so inspired to create. If you think that's weird, clearly you haven't spent enough time in a bathroom that someone else will clean. Something about being in your own space just puts your mind to all the problems and chores around you. And then getting away from that just frees it up.

I get the feeling this is not some grand epiphany that no one has ever had before. But it's at least something I've never put thought into before.

I had such high hopes for this trip to LA. But it is raining. It's not a storm, but it's like wet rain. You know how some rain is light and fun and breezy? And some rain is crazy and windy and terrible? Well this rain is just like... wet. It's just a dump of water. It's a puddle maker. They say the rain will drift off mid day, and then I hope to be able to walk around the beach for a bit.

But right now. Here in this stark white bathroom. With no things leaning. And all clean linens. And a bare counter top. I feel compelled to create. Or at least I feel the urge to write.

I actually love writing. I like writing my thoughts. I like writing poetry. I enjoy the process of thought distillation. And I enjoy writing on a keyboard, more than writing with a pen. And I have so many implements for writing with pens. I wish I liked that more. Does anyone else do that? Get tools for things they wish they could like, but ultimately never get in to? Who am I talking to? I'm the only one that reads these blogs.

I should probably some time add the ability to comment on this blog. But if I were honest, although I like the idea that no one sees this blog but me, it also somewhat makes me sad that perhaps no one sees this blog but me.

Have you seen Into the Spider-verse? That's a good goddamn movie. It's got an amazing soundtrack. It's got style up the ass. And it's got a number of really awesome messages.

"How will I know I'm ready?"

"You won't. It's a leap of faith."

That's a pretty excellent sentiment. It's been hitting me pretty hard lately. "But when will I know I can start?" You will not ever be ready to start. You must simply start. You must create. You're going to think that there's a best time to start. That time was yesterday. The next best time is today.

Stop putting off the things you could be doing. Stop telling yourself you'll do it tomorrow. Make it now. Put your all into it.

I've been putting a lot of effort into my AppTools javascript library. It's getting bigger and better all the time. I need to put some effort into documentation again soon. I'm nearing completion on a pretty big part of the puzzle. If you're interested in what I'm working on lately, that's it.

If you're not interested in what I've been coding, then maybe you'd like to know that I made a shirt I like a lot I've been calling Sisterhood. It's available on Etsy and at Redbubble. It also looks real cool as a tote.

I watched a video today on youtube about a concept called The Toolbox Fallacy. As soon as I heard the title, I knew what the concept would be. As soon as I saw the video's first example, I knew it was perfect. It's such an easy trap to fall into.

I can't make anything yet, because I don't have this thing. I'll make more content, once I get this upgrade.

It's so easy to waste so much time with this mentality. It's so easy to always pass blame onto anything but yourself. The fact is, when you were a kid and drawing, you didn't have anything. When you were young and pirating photoshop and had a 4x5 wacom, it was pathetic. But you did it. You did it because you had two things. Passion! ... and time.

It's the one part of the Toolbox Fallacy that doesn't quite hold one to one. Because you see, there may truly be no time for you now. Or is there? Should you have gone to town and hung out with friends? Should you have went on that date? Should you see that concert? Or should you be creating?

When you're young you have whole swathes of time with no commitments except your own urges to create. But later in life commitments and jobs and relationships can cut a hard line through your priorities. You can create art with anything. You CAN create. But you will have to take time away from something else now.

Because you almost certainly DO have commitments. But maybe that's the dream that only comes at the end of success. To take some of those commitments out of the equation, so that the thing you had such a hard time convincing yourself to start is now the only thing you do at all. Or maybe just the thing you do the most.

I woke up tonight after having a dream filled with existential dread.

I'm not fulfilling my potential. And life is starting to go faster. When you're twenty, life seems like it will just keep going forever. But as I near forty, I feel a wave of inevitability crashing toward me. The last 5 years have seemed so long, but they've gone by so fast. Maybe looking back on any chunk of time makes it seem small.

I need to redesign this website. I need to draw more. I've actually been doing that. I need to build myself some image uploading tools for this site. I need to use them to archive all the art that I've done within the last few years. I need to write a will. I need to write a map that leads to all the content I have hidden all over the internet.

I need to release something. I told some students the other day that it's not important whether or not something is done, only whether or not you released it. I have so much stuff that's released, and very little that's done. Teaching is a constant improvisation experiment, and sometimes you say something that's so totally right. And sometimes you say something that sounds right, until you hold it up against yourself and it shines a dirty light back on you.

I don't feel successful. I don't often feel fulfilled. I'm having a night of existential dread, and I haven't written in a while.

I like writing. I like the process of words. I like the process of distilling a free form thought into a transposed concept. But all I seem to be able to write is prose and poetry. I wish I had the discipline, drive, or ideas for writing something more story oriented. I've been drawing a comic for the last 2 years, and it has taken forever. It's so close to finished, and there's nothing scarier than finishing something. Except maybe starting something. And I didn't write it. I've never written anything except this blog, and some poetry a hundred years ago.

I'm having a night of existential dread. I pondered the notion of taking your life and waking up dead. What if you stayed in your body as they carted it away. What if your consciousness was bound to the flesh, and you screamed to the darkness as they threw dirt on your face. What if you stayed in the earth while the beasts and bugs slowly ripped apart your body until, like Theseus' ship, you weren't quite the whole anymore, but carted off to new existences. What if each of those pieces formed their own consciousness, separated off from the group. What if that's all we are is the existential dread of a being pulled apart time and time again, only to be placed back in the dirt to wait for the process to repeat.

For the last few months, I've gotten a bagel and coffee every morning at a coffee shop and bakery down the street. This morning, I have my own bagels at home and brewed my own coffee. I'm writing this in my underwear while a bagel just popped up from the toaster. There's something to be said for paying 10 dollars for the next two weeks worth of bagels and coffee, instead of 5 dollars every day. That's at least a 40 dollar savings.

But I think I will miss the human interaction. I never interacted with my old roommate, so I don't miss him. But the more a person makes themself sufficient at home, the more they cut down on those daily interactions. I haven't gone to the barber in years, and I kind of miss it. Anyways.

This is just a rambling post in the morning... I think I might start doing these on my blog, instead of on facebook to cut even further down on human interactions. Not sure yet. I'm still picking up the pieces after my roommate moved out.

Cleared out all of his things. Cleaned out his room, and I've begun stretching and doing yoga in the morning in there. Still need to bleach the walls. I've been cleaning a bit every morning. Cleaning a bit every night. Removing the layer of grease that was in the house from his style of cooking. Bought some groceries. I don't know that I have a point to any of this. But I will say, that I'm happy right now. I'm using my house for the first time in over a year.

Find the thing that's stopping you from finding happiness and cut it out of your life. This is the opposite of saying find what makes you happy, and make it your job. Make it your war to kill the unhappiness. Cut it out, clean it, gut it. Don't let the bad things consume your well deserved selfish happiness.

I don't think of myself as a designer. I'm a programmer. Actually, I'm more of a puzzle solver. I wouldn't say I'm a problem solver. I don't like to solve drama, or cause drama, or use the word drama. But I like to solve puzzles. The thing about problems is that there's never really a solution, no matter how many people give their opinion for one. Puzzles have a solution. There IS a way to solve them. You just have to figure it out.

I'm an artist, but I'm not a creative type. I like to look at a thing, and solve the puzzle of recreating it with lines or colors or shapes. I don't generally create things out of thin air, although often I enjoy messing around with the layout of the thing that I'm drawing. My design sensibilities, however, are extremely limited. I like squares, I like pictures, I like flat simple colors schemes. This is how I design.

I am exceedingly relaxed about rules and order and schedules. But I need them or nothing would ever get done, because I'm fairly lazy as well. I crave regularity and routine rather than deadlines and goal posts.

I started redesigning my website yesterday, only to remember what a daunting task it is, and why most people are scared shitless of it. I teach people all day long how to make websites, but I teach them how to make one page. I have hundreds of pages and sections on my site. Redesigns are not a simple task. I've gotten much better and more efficient at it over the years, but it's never easy.